Thursday, November 26, 2009

Alright, stop what you're doing, cause I'm about to ruin, the image and the style that you're used to.

First off, yes, I am a grown man and I watch The Hills, so let's just get that out of the way first, all judgment welcomed.

Dear Justin Bobby (Née, Justin Brescia),

While most people I know think you are a douchebag, I disagree.

I find you fascinating.

It's not the ever-present arched eyebrow, it's not the "just woke up" mumble, it's not the distant "I don't give a fuck" attitude, and it's not any of the other affectations that wow the under-20 set who tune in to watch the Paramore soundtrack intercut with Brentwood drama that passes for a television show.

What I am referring to is just the entire phenomena that IS Justin Bobby.

I for one as a heterosexual man nearing forty (four years, but who's counting), can view you from a purely academic angle, and enjoy what you bring to the show; good hair, humor, conflict in the hearts and minds of these tormented women, and what I'm sure is referred to in table readings (cause no one believes it's unscripted) board meetings, and the halls of MTV as, "that bad boy image".

To be honest, the only problem I've ever had with you was probably not even of your doing, but rather a bit of magical editing that transpired in an episode where you were surfing and you managed to take off on a wave Goofy Foot and end the ride doing an air Regular Footed. (And it wasn't switch, it was a stunt double, let's be clear).

I could tell you I don't like the frequency in which you display, as well as the choice in tattoo that you have, but hey, I lived through the 90's, and the only bad tattoo I didn't get was a tribal armband or a Chili Pepper logo, so I guess I can't say shit about the ITALIA plastered across your stomach. So that's off limits.

Basically I'm pretty much backing all your bullshit, I think it's all top-notch, I'm a fan, I look forward to a long and fruitful friendship, and if I didn't cut my own hair, I'd probably let you do it, so long as you didn't wash my hair, cause that would feel gay given the amount of writing I'm doing about you at present, dig?

But I digress.

I'm not what you'd call a hater, I'm actually here to help you.

No one minds the Harley with ape-hangers, the flaked out helmet, hell, we'll even let you have a pass on the overalls with no shirt on underneath, but when you started wearing top and bottom rockers with a center patch on your leather jacket, you just went too far, kiddo.

If you haven't had it broken down to you already, allow me to, purely in the interest of saving you a beatdown or potentially worse, cause while the guys from Maroon 5 may think it looks "bitchin", I can assure you there are some guys who hang out far from the swank locales you frequent who wouldn't find it nearly as amusing.

Right off the bat, a history lesson.

3 patch jackets are strictly for Outlaw clubs.


If you want to start a club with your homies, better to adhere to the rules of what are known as "Family" clubs, and have 1 large patch in the center of the jacket, otherwise, if you rock your patches broken down into 3 it's a violation of the code.

If you still don't know what I'm talking about, then let me expand. Top rocker = club, center patch = logo, and bottom rocker is territory.

(iffy)You could even try doing a top rocker and a center patch and see how that works out for you, but the 3 patch combo is a bold affair no matter how you slice it, and on this front you fucked up five different ways.

1st, by the design of your jacket you are claiming Los Angeles as a territory.
INCREDIBLY bold move, especially considering the heaviness of motorcycle clubs that operate in LA, and 2nd, you didn't check in with the predominant MC in the area to ask permission (one of the rules), and if you don't know who that is, you'll find out soon enough wearing the jacket.

3rd, you chose an existing club's colors for your rockers.
This one is actually kind of funny, because if I have to tell you whose colors red and white are, then you may be in more trouble than I thought.
4th, not only are you going to offend the guys who wear those colors you adopted, but ALSO the guys who don't like the guys who wear those colors on their cuts.
Kind of a lose lose situation if you know what I mean.
And finally, 5th, there ALREADY IS a Hooligans MC, based in NorCal, so unless you started a Los Angeles chapter, I guess it's a case of, "whoops".

Of course, I could be wrong.
There might be a heavy MC rolling the streets that I've just never heard of.
One that not only got the green light on flying Los Angeles on the bottom rocker, but also got OK'd to run red and white.
It could be, it's not like I'm the authority on such things.

The whole thing could probably be avoided if you changed the color of the rockers and eliminated the MC on the back, then you could claim ignorance when confronted as to why you were claiming "their" city as your own. But having the MC makes it a Motorcycle Club that operates in the city designated by the bottom rocker, and being that you ride a bike and aren't just some d-bag getting bottle service at Playhouse trying to look hard, that would be tough to play dumb while hanging from your apes at a stoplight.

If I were you, I'd make it a one-patch with the logo in the center and the name incorporated into the design, not as a separate rocker, and then take out the city altogether, but hey, that's just me, I like waking up in the morning and going to sleep at night.

Cause while the girls from Laguna and Stacey the bartender probably dig it, I think you'll find that if you ride with it on outside of West Hollywood, Sunset Plaza, and the occasional Neptune's Net run, you may encounter dudes that won't be nearly as stoked as Kristen.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

So you think that hip-hop had it's start out in Queensbridge?

My son will never believe that the New York he will come to know could have ever looked like this.